Archive for the ‘Save Marriage Alone’ Category
Tuesday, August 4th, 2009
RetrieveALover.com: Do you always fall in love with a man who need rescuing??
How do you break the habit of falling in love with a man who needs rescuing?
As women, we have a natural nurturing instinct. We want to help others, to mother them, to take care of them.
Evolution made us the caregivers. Unfortunately, many women try to take this skill into their romantic relationships and wind up choosing men who need to be rescued — fixer-uppers, as they say in the real estate world. And it rarely ends well.
Why not? Because while it’s true that a lot of men need repairs, it’s seldom possible for a girlfriend or wife to provide them. Self-improvement is called SELF-improvement for a reason: The change has to come from within.
Men don’t like to be nagged, molded, and sculpted into something else.
Be honest: If someone came along and made YOU their project, how would respond?
Yet despite the obviousness of this fact — you can’t change a man, so you shouldn’t even try — countless women still make the attempt. Therapists write books about it.
Talk show hosts devote episodes to it. Comedians make jokes about it. (“She made me change everything about myself — and then complained that I wasn’t the man she fell in love with!”)
Why do we do it?
Sometimes the problem is very easy to understand: We just don’t notice we’re doing it. Studies show that for as much as women tend to dissect their individual relationships, they often overlook threads that run among several of them.
Hence, though you might have had four bad relationships in a row, you might not notice that they were all bad in the same way — i.e., that the men needed “fixing” and you weren’t able to make the repairs.
Identifying the pattern is the first step in breaking it, of course. Having recognized that you choose these men, what are the underlying reasons for it?
It often goes back to a woman’s earlier life and childhood. Despite our best efforts, we often subconsciously seek out relationships that mirror the ones our parents had. If your father was a deadbeat there’s a good chance you’ll unwitting look for men like him.
Sometimes it becomes a conscious thought: “My father was abusive to my mother, so if I find a man like that, I can fix him, and do what my mother couldn’t. I’ll make the world a better place.” Of course, reason tells us this just isn’t feasible most of the time.
Research suggests that what it usually boils down to is self-esteem.
Deep down, some women need these “projects” in order to feel good about themselves. They need to accomplish something, and this is all they feel there is available to them.
Psychologists say these women who feel incomplete without working on something should work on themselves first.
Finding out what’s really causing the problem — the low self-esteem — is critical.
Therapy and self-help books can be of assistance, but many times good old-fashioned soul-searching is all that’s needed.
What is it about yourself that you don’t like? Does it need to be changed, or is your negativity toward it irrational? If it needs to be changed, can you change it yourself?
In other cases, women do not feel they “deserve” a good man.
They keep subjecting themselves to men who need help because not only does trying to help them feed their own needs, but because they believe they’re not worthy of anything better. These women, too, must address the problems within themselves.
So what do you do if you realize the relationship you’re in is one of these fixer-uppers?
Do you stay or go?
First you need to accept that you are NOT going to be able to fix him.
Your case will not be the exception to the rule. No one can make anyone else change unless that person wants to change. It has to come from within.
Now, once you’re accepted that, it doesn’t necessarily mean you have to get rid of the guy; it just means you have to stop trying to fix him. It may be that the man you chose as a fixer-upper is actually OK as he is, warts and all.
Sometimes the men that women try to “fix” are fine the way they are; women just want to make them better. Maybe your “project” falls under this category. If so, let him be. He’ll be pleasantly surprised that you’ve stopped working on him, and the relationship will be better for it.
But maybe he’s not that type. Maybe he really does need rescuing — from drugs, from immaturity, from irresponsibility, from alcohol, from something else. In that case, the only sensible thing is to cut him loose. You can’t take it upon yourself to save people.
It doesn’t make you a bad person to leave him. You have to see to your own happiness first, and being with a miserable character has never made anyone anything but miserable.
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- Cucan Pemo
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Tuesday, August 4th, 2009
AttractATrueLoveSecrets.com: One of the most common problems women report in their relationships is that they often find themselves falling for men who are unavailable.
This can include men who are already involved in relationships, whose jobs prevent them from devoting any time to a girlfriend, or who are unattached and have time but are simply emotionally immature and thus “unavailable” for a relationship.
Why do we keep attracting and choosing these men? It’s almost as if we WANT to fail!
Well, guess what. That may be part of it.
Some of the most common reasons for this pattern are as follows:
Number 1: Some women don’t actually want real commitment.
Number 2: Some women inadvertently seek to recreate the bad relationships their parents had.
Number 3: Some women have emotional baggage that prevents them from getting intimate, so they seek out men who can’t be intimate.
Number 4: Some women have low self-esteem that makes them believe they aren’t worthy of a good man.
Therapists say that in discussing the problem with their patients, they often find that subconsciously, some women don’t want real intimacy or commitment.
They have their own emotional blocks that are preventing them from seeking out healthy relationships — but since they crave companionship, simply being alone isn’t an option.
Hence, they subliminally look for a man who can qualify as a boyfriend but who can’t be anything lasting.
What causes this kind of self-sabotage?
Your own experiences with friends probably tell you what studies have confirmed: We often unintentionally seek out relationships that parallel our parents’.
If your mother constantly had to take care of your worthless father, you may find yourself looking for worthless men yourself.
If your parents were didn’t pay enough attention to you, you might look for men who will be similarly distant. History often wants to repeat itself.
The first step in ending this cycle for yourself is to recognize that it’s a problem. You’d be surprised how many women just don’t see it.
They bounce from one bad relationship to another, never connecting the dots to realize what all these men have in common. By finding the common thread — that they’re all unavailable, and that’s why the relationships don’t work out — you’ve taken the first step.
Of course, in some cases, it can be coincidence. Sometimes you just happen to fall for two guys in a row who are unavailable.
Two is a coincidence. Three starts to sound more like a pattern. Think about your past relationships. Why didn’t they work? Were there a variety of factors, or are they attributable to more or less the same thing?
If you think you’ve fallen into the trap of pursuing men you can’t or shouldn’t have, stop to think about why that might be. What was your parents’ relationship like? How was your relationship with them? Have your recent romantic failures paralleled it at all?
Consider also whether you have other baggage that could be stopping you from enjoying a healthy relationship.
Often these are self-esteem issues. Women’s magazines are full of articles about women who don’t feel “worthy” of a good relationship, who feel like they don’t deserve a good man so they constantly take the scrubs instead.
Increasing your self-esteem is a topic too large for this issue here alone, but that’s what it boils down to. Improve your love for yourself and you may find your behavior improving to match it.
Or, you can visit the web site at Lonely Weekends for more insights and advice that you could use.
To attract men who are trustworthy and reliable, who will treat you with love and respect, you need to love and respect yourself.
That means not letting men treat you shabbily. We’re not talking about being a diva here. We’re talking about expecting the men you date to treat you with courtesy and respect — and more importantly, not giving them any reason to think you deserve any less.
Sleeping with a guy on the first date doesn’t exactly send the message that you’re a classy woman who should be treated with respect.
If you are honoring yourself and your womanhood by acting with confidence and class, then men should see it and act accordingly.
If they don’t — and this is important — don’t put up with it.
Kick any man to the curb who doesn’t treat you the way you deserve to be treated. That will quickly weed out the unavailable men and leave only the decent ones in the pool.
Dating can be terribly taxing on a woman’s ego, self-esteem and sanity. There’s so much rejection inherent in finding a mate that it can hard to keep going after one relationship ends. The important thing is to feel good about yourself, to treat yourself properly and to truly believe that you deserve good things.
Once you’re there, you’ll find that the men who are no good for you will stop being appealing, and only the good ones will strike your fancy.
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Tuesday, August 4th, 2009
Marriage should be a happy time for a couple. You have survived the rigors of dating and courtship. Now it is time to reap the rewards and spend a pleasant life together.
But many couples find marriage to be a difficult adjustment to make. There is a “honeymoon” phase, and then life settles into a routine.
Husbands and wives start to irk one another. The passion of the early marriage starts to fade away.
Can this be stopped? Of course it can. With some work and communication, two people who love each other can continue to love being married to each other forever.
As women, there are certain things we can avoid, things that are instant turn offs to men in marriage. Here are five.
1. Complaining, nagging, and criticizing.
This is always at the top of the list in surveys of married men when asked what their wives do that bothers them.
As much as he loves you, he wants to be his own man, too. And let us face it, no one, male or female, likes being picked at.
Of course, we don’t usually see our gentle reminders not to leave his socks on the floor as “picking.” If he would just DO it, we wouldn’t have to keep mentioning it. But to him, it sounds like you’re harping, nagging about the same thing over and over again. And it drives him crazy.
So what to do? Men’s minds are analytical. They like to solve problems. So make your suggestions in the form of solutions rather than complaints. Instead of saying, “I hate it when you leave your socks on the floor,” say, “It will be much easier for me to do laundry if your socks are in the hamper instead of on the floor, sweetie.” See?
The first was a complaint; the second was a solution. Surely he can’t fail to see the logic in it, and if he forgets after that, you’ll know it’s an honest forgetting, not laziness or spite. And since you love him, you can forgive that.
2. Trying to control him.
This goes along with number 1. Men like to be independent. They like their buddies, they like their football games, they like their poker nights with the guys. But you like him to be home with you.
Who’s right?
This is one where you may have to make some compromises. There is no reason he shouldn’t be allowed to hang out with his friends and do whatever it is those guys do when they get together — provided he is still being a good husband and father too, of course.
If he is out EVERY night with the guys, then maybe there’s a problem. But if it’s once a week or so, and he has a fun time, then what’s the harm? It is selfish to insist he stay home with you all the time.
To compensate for it, you can arrange activities for just the two of you that go beyond just staying home and having a normal dull evening.
Make sure the weekends are full of couples-only activities, or plan specific “date nights” once a week. That way, you can make sure you’re getting a special evening with him at least as often as his friends get one.
3. Withholding sex out of anger or spite. Your husband should not expect you to have sex whenever and wherever he wants to. If he’s a typical man, he wants to have sex more or less constantly, so it’s not really feasible. But he shouldn’t have to contend with you using sex as a weapon against him, either.
Sex is the most intimate part of a relationship, and some consider it the most sacred. Either partner using it as a way of controlling or hurting the other one cheapens it.
If you’re angry with your husband, talk to him about it, calmly and rationally. Do not withhold sex and then make him guess why. Those kinds of games are beneath you.
4. Letting your emotions control your thinking.
It is a scientific fact that men solve problems analytically while women solve problems emotionally. It is also a fact that that difference is what drives both genders the craziest.
Still, that does not mean you should let your emotions dictate everything you say or do. It does not make any sense to refuse to go to a party with him tonight because he failed to notice you got your haircut earlier today.
That is emotion talking. When you feel yourself getting emotional, that is fine — you are a woman; emotions are part of who you are. The trick is to avoid making decisions when you’re in that state. Wait till you have calmed down again and become your normal self.
5. Letting yourself go physically.
This is a touchy subject because it usually happens to both spouses. You’re both so busy with work, home and the kids that you stop exercising and get out of shape. But it is men who are more likely to complain about it.
One solution is to make it a joint effort. As you notice yourself slipping into poor eating habits and zero exercise, talk to your husband.
Suggest the two of you take up jogging together, or go for walks after dinner, or join a gym together.
He will see you’re making an effort to maintain the lovely figure he fell in love with, and you can keep him from becoming a couch potato, too. Plus, any time you spend together is going to strengthen your relationship.
It is tragic to for small things to split marriages apart, but it happens all the time. There is no reason to let it happen to you. Remember that you love each other and do what you can to keep the fires burning.
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